My true face

“This gate marks the choice to be someone who is fully alive, a courageous explorer and adventurer who is willing to disturb the comfort of familiar roles in order to discover the true face that lies beneath family conditioning and cultural imprinting.”  ~Angeles Arrien

Artwork by Christina Garcia

On Saturday morning two weeks ago, I woke up and started my daily routine: a conversation with my husband, dream journaling, preparing a pot of tea, breakfast and a shower. A regular day, it seemed, until I included another set of morning rituals, which I’ve been experimenting with as I bring myself back into the world.

Slowly, I covered my body in essential oils, put my Goddess Rosary around my neck, and pulled out the orange and red paisley shawl given to me by my mother to adorn my shoulders. I was about to begin the second day of a three-day workshop focused on uncovering the messages and meanings behind body language, signals, and dreams as a way to engage more deeply in relationships and discover the true essence hidden behind what is seen on the surface. It was a powerful weekend, and the work was deep.

As I continue to enter more intentionally into the domains of spirituality, healing, vulnerability and shadow work – not just in the privacy of my home, but out in the world, I’m realizing the importance of protection, boundaries and self-care. Energetic protection is something that all Wise and Wild Women should know as a first line of defense. It is an essential prerequisite in maintaining physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological wellness - particularly after a time of deep inner work, when we begin the “return” after a descent, and as we slowly show the world who we are now becoming.

“In the center [of the labyrinth journey] we have been open and vulnerable. How can we emerge, still open to ourselves, but also protect ourselves in a world that moves quickly and does not recognize vulnerability?

…It is hard work with times of progression and regression as we struggle to integrate the new with the old and to truly heal.” ~Sylvia Shaindel Senensky

The journey inward leaves us naked, raw, and stripped down to the bone so we can fully absorb the gifts and truths that our everyday armor prevented from getting in. But upon our return we are still open and exposed. We need time to replenish - to develop new fat, new muscle, new skin; to trust that the inner journey has removed the masks and will eventually reveal a face that is more our own.

I came home Saturday evening from my workshop exhausted. I smudged myself with sage, then drew a bath and soaked in the tub while listening to a Tibetan prayer chant, letting the deep, repetitive sound of the monk’s voice embrace me while the waters removed any final residue from the day.

Later, as I sat in my living room, a strange feeling came over me. As the sun continued to set, withdrawing the light from the room and leaving me alone in darkness, the word initiation bubbled up from somewhere inside me, and I realized something is changing. Wearing my truth proudly on my chest, I begin the difficult work of integration – bringing the lessons of the last year with me as I develop this new skin.

What lies ahead is another beginning, another path unwinding before me and revealing a new set of births, deaths, tests and challenges. I carry with me a pouch of self-made magic – potions of protection, personal truths, courage, prayers, and newfound faith in the beauty of what is slowly forming, but cannot yet be seen.

The Wheel

"The Earth is alive and contains the knowledge you seek. It is your consciousness that determines what it reveals. How to access this knowledge? And where are the keys to open it and make it yours? The Earth speaks. Love her, honor and respect her and she will reveal her secrets."

~Barbara Marciniak

The Basin by Steven Kenny

I am walking around the perimeter of a canyon in Utah with my husband and best friend. The ridge of the canyon slopes precariously down into the depths below, and I need to watch my footing so I don’t fall. Although I’m frightened, I continue my journey around this circle, walking slowly and carefully. When I arrive back to where I began, I look down, and in the dirt I see a piece of raw amethyst, broken apart, yet very beautiful. My friend tells me I should take it. Although I want to, I feel it is a living, breathing piece of the earth, and so I choose to leave it in the wild, trusting that its healing properties will come to me when I need them. 

The passage above is from a dream I had a few days ago – a dream brimming with many other elements of nature and the Wild – porcupines shooting their quills at my feet; wild dogs chasing each other; the foundation of my house replaced with loose dirt and stones; lions stalking me; a one hundred year-old tree uprooted and threatening to kill the three women I’m protecting. They are symbols of the Wild Woman life, of facing my fears, respecting the power and unpredictability of nature, and protecting the sacred feminine that I have so carefully been nurturing over the past year. Each element of the dream represents the dangers I encounter while learning to maneuver this new territory and live within it. The beasts and natural elements that keep appearing both threaten to harm me, and save me from the sanitized world that would rather censor than embrace the creative wildness that so many women are coming to identify as the most important part of their lives. I have learned to walk alongside the contradiction by developing a kind of sensory awareness that keeps me moving in the circle, letting me know This is Right – no matter what unexpected change or threat comes my way.

But I am not alone. Wise Woman Lady Fortuna walks beside me, like the shadow of a ghost, whispering age-old wisdom to keep me on my course. So many of us are sisters in this mission, this wilding rebellion, finding ways to uproot our lives, with only the lantern of Trust and Faith to guide us as we walk those steep canyon ridges, find our courage, and learn to forge our own path, no longer willing to obey.

Today, like every birthday that has come before, I face a doorway, a passage, an opportunity to step into the unknown, and give myself permission to imagine, create, and own the messages that come to life through those whispered words of Fortuna's truth. They are Her mysteries that I am learning to hear, decipher, and make my own.

Each birthday, I calculate my Tarot Card of the Year, which provides a reference point for the year ahead, and illuminates some of the challenges, lessons, and accomplishments to come. For 2012, my card was The Hermit/Crone, and as the card indicates, it was indeed a year of withdrawal and descent, a solitary journey within. Having just climbed out of my Hermit’s hole, dirt still clinging to my skin and clothes, I look at the world with new eyes, still adjusting to the light. Feeling ready to face my 36th year, The Wheel of Fortune, or The Wheel is now my guide. The Wheel teaches about the cycles of the earth; birth, death, and rebirth; transformation; impermanence; and the laws of karma. The Wheel is also my Birth Card – the card that maps onto my year of birth, revealing broader life lessons. I can already sense this will be a big year for me. It is my year of stepping fully into circle, facilitating a process of re-membering, cyclical living, and learning from the past as a pathway to wholeness. To honour ourselves fully, the cycle must continue – accepting that death is always on the heals of every new birth, and that a re-birth follows every death.

My dream reminds me that as I leave the skin of an old life behind, tentatively walking the circular terrain of the Wild Feminine, I am closer to the earth, closer to the centre from which my Soul life flows. I walk the path with no objectives in mind, but with a growing sureness that This Way is Right. And I am excited to see what will come.

Claiming my stake

"Perhaps recognizing intuition is the easier of the tasks, but holding it in consciousness and letting live what can live, and letting die what must die, is by far the more strenuous, yet so satisfying aim." 

~Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Artwork by Suhair Sibai

Today is the day I have been planning for for three months – the day when I would drive an hour north of the city to participate in a ten-day silent meditation retreat. I’ve wanted to do it for several years, and now seemed like the time.

But my body had other ideas.

Over the past few weeks, my dreams have been increasingly dramatic and frightening: being chased by zombies, strange people trying to break into the house, and mind control. It culminated in the most recent dream where I was responsible for draining the life essence from people’s brains until I finally snapped out of it and managed to get out of that horror scene before it was too late. This last dream reminded me so much of Jim Henson’s 1982 film The Dark Crystal, it gave me full-body shivers. “I get the message”, I kept trying to tell myself. These were the kinds of dreams I was having frequently before I left my job, and likely, I am still processing the impact of a work environment that felt Soul sucking. The sadness and loss that followed my awakening are still with me, re-lived in my dreams through coded images and nightmarish scenes. It’s been a slow process of healing.

Many months of learning to tune into my body and taking care of my needs like never before – getting enough sleep, eating the right foods, and following the structures that feel right rather than what I have to do or what I should do has been the foundation of it all - and deeply nourishing for me.

But things took a turn last Thursday when the symptoms of a chronic health issue re-emerge stronger than they have in the last 10 months. Concerned about how that would impact my upcoming retreat, I took extra care of myself – and it helped, a bit.

But last night, as I prepared for my trip, my symptoms worsened. Seriously frustrated now, I called my best friend for advice.

My main concern was not feeling strong and healthy as I entered what I knew would be a deeply rewarding, yet incredibly challenging process. Based on the feedback of friends who have participated in or taught this type of meditation, I knew it would be physically, mentally and emotionally challenging. I desperately wanted to face that challenge, and yet, my body protested.

Do I plow ahead and ignore my health, or stay home and feel like a failure before I even begin? The question kept circling, offering no answer, no easy way out. Not knowing which way was right, or which truth was mine, I felt caught in a self-imposed trap of fear, anxiety, “shoulds” and some image of myself that I was not living up to. Like a straightjacket I had already escaped, I was trapped in a cruel joke coming back to me, reminding me that owning this thing I call personal authority is a daily practice, not something I can accomplish and file away.

When the tears of frustration caused so much strain in my throat that I found it difficult to speak, I realized the answer could not be found through words. So I got off the phone and did the only thing I knew to do. I went to my altar, lit a candle, got down on my knees and prayed to the Goddess.

The Goddess is the one who answers my call. She's whoever I need Her to be. She is my maternal grandmother, who died before I was born but continues to watch over and protect me; She is Hecate, who’s crone wisdom comforts me and reminds me I am not alone; She is Ishtar who guides me through the dark shadows of my fears; She is Yemaya, who helps me remember my creative gifts; and She is my Higher Self or Soul Voice, reminding me that the answers I seek are not far away.

Patiently, I waited for the answer, and while I waited, I breathed, slowly remembering a faith that was so easily misplaced only moments before.

Finally, I heard the words I needed to hear, and everything began to fall into place.

After 35 years of following someone else’s rules, someone else’s structures, some authority other than my own – parents, school, work, bosses, teachers – this time is now mine. Time for nurturing, regaining self-trust, freedom to explore on my own terms.

This is the truth that I will continue to claim.

The nightmares haunting me in recent weeks finally fitting into place, I realized that ten days of learning to control my mind is not what I need right now.

My choice not to do the retreat doesn’t mean that I don't believe in this kind of meditation or that I won’t do it in the future. It doesn’t mean I’m opposed to structure or education – far from it. But for now, trusting my own authority has to come first. It must.

Although I will not be sitting in a rural Ontario meditation centre for the next ten days, I am still holding this time as sacred, spent in a personally crafted Self Love Retreat – where I will continue to excavate the truth I’ve come so far to know.

A handmade life

“The handcrafted life contains things that are fierce, as well as things that are beautiful.”

~Clarissa Pinkola Estés 

Golden Egg by Jen Otey

As the first glimpses of spring crack through the Ontario winter, bringing the promise of warmer, longer days, there is a growing willingness to come out of hibernation, out of the dream lodge, and face the world anew.

I approach the Equinox with a renewed sense of energy, perhaps a bit wiser than when I entered this period of withdrawal many months ago. My mind and hands are busy, and I find myself wanting to imagine, and create. For the past few weeks, I have been knitting a beautiful Wise Woman’s shawl – a labour of love that will likely continue into the summer, when a knitted shawl may seem unnecessary and impractical. But my goal remains, and through the work of my hands, this shawl will bless the path now coming into focus.

The intricate pattern I chose starts at the centre and moves outward like a spiral – symbolic of the choices that I’ve made and how the path has changed. I am finally ready, finally willing to leave the Linear Life behind. It is the most difficult knitting I’ve ever endeavored, requiring several visits to the store for guidance. But the beauty and importance of it keeps me coming back.

Feeling the yarn slip through my fingers as I hold four needles, knitting in the round, working things slowly, carefully, with love and attention, seeing something grow and take shape over time. I am in no rush. It marks the beginning of a life made by hand.

“[The handcrafted life is] the life that’s made on our own terms, with one’s own resources, with what one finds available to them, discovers along the way and puts together to make a nourishing life for themselves.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Getting back to basics and connecting to the imagination, creativity, and our roots through healing foods and herbs; textiles and fabrics; threads, yarns and weaves; painting, writing, sculpting, making – is the sustenance that gives life to the Wild Feminine. Closer to the earth, the handmade life is uncomplicated by what we should do, how we should look, who we should be, quick fixes, or package deals. It is the old ways made new again, brought back to life by the fire in our hearts and the truth on our lips.

The handmade life is calling us to live a new way – designing, crafting, creating on our own terms. It is a consciousness of the spirit, an attunement to our deepest dreams and longings – connecting us to what is most important, rather than passively accepting what is as what will always be.

As the constrictive tendrils of an old life continue to lose their grip, a new confidence and sureness is coming in. It is both a fierceness, grounded in truth and earned wisdom, and a vulnerability that is slowly opening, surrendering, wanting to be seen.

The shawl I’m making reminds me of all that I’ve learned and all that has been gained on the inner journey. It also serves as a protective covering for the new life that is being born, which needs feeding, nurturing, and tending. It will guide and protect me as I begin “stepping out” in the coming months with my own business – designed, defined and created by me, with my hands.

A sense of lightness and excitement washes over me on this first day of spring. I feel tremendous gratitude for the gift of renewal, of re-birth, and to know that I can create this new life. I will. I am.