Coming to centre

“The sacred marriage is complete when a woman joins the two aspects of her nature.”

~Maureen Murdock

Duality by Patricia Ariel

As the Full Wolf Moon rose in the sky last weekend, the images associated with my Vision Board for this year came together at last – much more slowly than in previous years. Internal wisdom works on its own schedule, and so I continue to practice patience, reminding myself that the timing is always right no matter how long it takes.

Union, my intention for this year, is developing a life of its own within me. Coming together from old bones, old flesh, old wounds, it is an assimilation of death and life, old and new, spirit and body, feminine and masculine. The process is gradual and intuitive, making me feel like a child again – crawling and feeling my way until I have the strength to balance on my own two feet.

Eventually getting “out there” without the security of being in the shadow of the leaders that once protected me is intimidating and exposing. But the voice inside keeps whispering, “you will find your way.” So I hold on in anticipation of an integrated self, something more sure and steady than what led me in the past. A new leadership, grounded in feminine authority, is rising, and She is both thrilling and frightening.

I want to be free of the structures, institutions and authorities that bound me. I want to reinvent a life that is independent, creative, feminine, and uniquely my own.

My desire is clear, and yet, an opposing masculine force continues to haunt my dreams.

I dream that I am in a canoe full of young women. I am leading some kind of outdoor adventure course and we are now tied to a dock in the middle of the river. A man is standing on the dock but the bow of the canoe is faced away from him and I can’t see him properly. He is very authoritarian – standing above us, taking my place in the group and speaking the words that I need to say. I remain silent, doubting myself and wondering if his way of leading is better, his words smarter.

There is an urgency, though, for me to see him more clearly. I begin turning the canoe around, paddling slowly with my hands, so that I face him. I feel I must face him, even if I am not yet ready to speak.

When we leave a job, the church, a marriage, a life that didn’t work, we put a stake in the ground by refusing to abide by someone else’s rules. We stand up to power that no longer fits; we choose to live in the wild. By leaving, we think our struggle is finally over. And yet, there is a deeper reckoning at work. Just when we think it’s safe, another power struggle begins to surface.

What parts of ourselves are we still afraid of, haven’t faced, or have denied? What have we not come to terms with, have yet to integrate or own?

What part of me was placated, comforted, or felt safe with the old ways? What part of me is still part of that old paradigm? What part of me am I still scared to face?

Coming to centre means confronting and accepting it all – including our shame, our feelings of not enough-ness, and the thing that kept our truth silent in the first place.

I no longer need to live by or hide within the old patriarchal paradigm. But there is a masculine force within me, still wanting to be heard. In truth, the inner masculine is wounded too, searching for its place.

The only way a woman can heal this imbalance within herself is to bring the light of consciousness into the darkness…

The challenge for the heroine is not one of conquest but one of acceptance.” ~Maureen Murdock

To honour the Inner Union, we need to edge our way a little closer to centre with an open heart. In facing the monster – the masculine force who controlled us from the inside – we heal the parts that have been banished and abandoned. 

In time, we will find our voice and learn to tell him it’s okay.